The Toilet Saga: Toilet
by TheFeaturedCreature
Summary: Benita Swan is in love with Damien Cullen. But Damien's world is much different than Benita thinks. In this Twilight spoof, there will be love, drugs, and Justin Bieber getting shot.


The Toilet Saga

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Monster Hunter at Large, Erik X, or any other thing I have written here. Enjoy-TheFeaturedCreature_

_"So Then that dude from that movie sucked the venom out of that other chick, and yeah, that's Twilight for you_"- Kaleb 'Killjoy' Aster

1. Fright Sight

My father drove me to the airport with the heater turned to it's highest level. It was below zero in Phoenix, a rainy, wet day. I was wearing my favorite shirt. A black Justin Bieber 'Never Say Never' shirt. My carry on item was a Disney Princess suitcase.

In the coast of someplace exsists a town that no one knows about. Maelstrom. It's always raining there. This goth, My Immortal-like town is where my father escaped with me when I was only six months old. It was in this town that I had been forced to live in the wine cellar once a month, every year. That was until I was fourteen. That was the day that I ran over my mom's, Carlie's, dog with a lawn mower. Then we vacationed every summer in California's red light district for two weeks instead.

It was to Maelstrom that I know fled to. An action that I took with great pleasure. I LOVED Maelstrom. I hated Phoenix, it's big suburbs and loud teens.

"Benita," my dad said to me ,"You don't have to do this. If you want, I can get you into juvi." He had told me this a thousand times before.

"No dad," I replied ,"I'll live."

My dad looks EXACTLY like me. He has saggy man boobs and long hair. How could I leave my brain-dead, zombie-like, transexual father? Then again, he had Fill.

"I want to go," I said, sounding as sincere as I possibly could.

"Tell Carlie I said hi," my dad said, starting to cry. His mascara ran down his pink cheeks.

"I'll see you soon. I'll tell you all about the guys at my school," I said, kissing him on the forehead. He smiled.

It's a five hour flight from Phoenix to Califreakinfornia. Then it's a thirty minute flight in a small plane up to Port Hellmouth, and a two hour ride with Carlie up to Maelstrom. Flying bothers me. It always has. Ever since my father's sperm touched my mother's egg and I was made. Inside the womb, I would often think about falling. When I fell from my mother at Wal-Mart, I never wanted to experience that falling sensation again.

When I landed in Port Hellmouth, it was snowing, with no sun. Whatever. Carlie was waiting for me in the beetle. It was a black and white striped one too. No surprise there. Carlie is the chief of costume design for the Maelstrom Theatre group. Carlie bear hugged me, her boobs squishing my face. She was wearing pumps.

"Oh my Beni!" Carlie screamed ,"It's good to see you! The child that came out of my very own V! Oh Benita! You haven't changed one bit!"

I had a lot of bags. Most of them were Justin Bieber and Disney princess. I grabbed some and Carlie grabbed some. We piled them up in the back.

"Benita! I got you a car!" Carlie screamed.

"Cool, what kind?" I asked.

"Do you remember Rebecca Black down from La Pull?" La Pull's a reservation for people with no singing talent.

"Yes."

"She suffered an accident, so she can't drive anymore. But she gave me the big RB mobile home for you!"

"Oh no," I said, thinking about driving a big mobile home with Rebecca's face on it.

The rest of the drive was in silence. Carlie was to busy listening to Blood on the Dance Floor, and I was texting.

We finally made it to Carlie's. It was a two story house. White. I saw my room's window.

I took my old room. It was painted black, with posters of Robert Smith everywhere. There was a Justin Bieber dartboard, and a bunch of Nox Arcana CD's. I'm not Goth mom.

Carlie left me alone. It was nice being alone, not having to smile every possible moment. I looked at the snow, it was beautiful. I started to cry.

The worst part about moving to Maelstrom was going to Maelstrom High. It had five thousand students, including me. All of these kids had grown up together, their grandparents gone to prom together. And here I was, a social outcast.

Maybe if I looked like a girl from Phoenix, I could pull it off. You know, short, pale, with black hair and red eyes. Instead, I was tan, tall, with red hair and blue eyes. I never related well with people my age. I was too advanced for them. While they liked songs about getting horny, I listened to Disney soundtracks. Sometimes I wondered if I saw things in sync with the other teenagers. But then again, I was too advanced.

* * *

><p>I slept well that night, even after my laughing fit. The snow was soft and quiet, and it lulled me to sleep.<p>

When I woke up in the morning, it was still snowing. I grabbed my shit, the keys to my mobile home, and drove to school. I went to the office to get my schedule. There was a slim blonde behind a desk.

She looked up ,"What the fuck do you want?"

"I'm Benita Swan," I replied shyly ,"I need my schedule. I'm new here."

The blonde woman took out a file and grimaced ,"Here's your fucking schedule and a fucking map of the fucking school!"

She highlighted my ENTIRE schedule paper and crumpled it up and gave it to me with a grimace.

I went into a classroom that was marked 'Sex Ed.' It was small, but the kids in there were rowdy. A boy in stripes was taping a sign on a girl's back that said 'Hard and dirty.' I hanged my coat on a hook. I noticed to girls. They were both tan and tall, with blue hair and red eyes. I wouldn't stand out here. I took my schedule to a fat man with hair all over him. His name plate read 'Mr. Slutborne'. He assured me I was in the right class.

We had a lengthy discussion if condoms could protect a man from getting pregnant (Which is impossible). Then the bell rang, and the students ran out, screaming.

A pale blonde boy leaned over at my table ,"You're new here, huh?"

"Yeah," I said, trying to sound like Enoby Way.

"I'm Derek," he said, smiling ,"What's your next class?"

"Um... AP English, Miss. Crap," I replied.

Derek showed me the way.

There was this really short blonde girl who walked with me to the cafeteria at lunch. She sat down with me too. Derek and this tall kid from Sex Ed sat with me too. It was then, while I was trying to make a conversation with three curious strangers, I saw _them_.

They were sitting in the middle of the cafeteria. There were five of them. They weren't eating, but chatting away. They didn't look anything alike. Of the three boys, one was short, round and pudgy, with oil slick black hair. The other one was tall, with straight blonde hair and muscular. The last one was younger looking, with black hair and not muscular, but as skinny as a stick.

The girls too were opposites. The blonde was tall, with big breasts and a beautiful body. The short girl had a small frame, with short black hair reaching up to her neck.

But still, they looked exactly the same. They were all pale with dark eyes and those bags that looked as if they had come out of the 'Buried Alive' music video. They were beautiful, wonderful, alluring.

"Who are they?" I asked the short blonde, forgetting her name.

"Ok," the blonde started ,"There's Erik, Damien, and Lydia Cullen. The blondes are twins, Ragamuffin and Lenore Hale. They live with Dr. Cullen and his wife."

Those were really unpopular names. I mean, Erik? No one had that name anymore. And Damien? What about Lydia? The only popular names were Lenore and Ragamuffin. Then I remembered, the blonde's name was Isadora.

"Oh," Isadora continued ,"Lydia and Ragamuffin are dating, and so are Erik and Lenore. That's so gross! Incest alert! Well, they're not really related. Just adopted, except for the twins."

"That's so sweet."

"But Dr. Cullen's sterile, so yeah."

The youngest one, Damien, looked at me, his black eyes laughing. He sighed.

* * *

><p>I sat next to Damien in something class. I studied his eyes. They were so black. As black as his hair. He had on a little Victorian boy sailor suit, he looked adorable. I just smiled, while he looked the other way.<p>

"He's not very nice, is he?" a red head asked at the end of class.

"Who?" I replied.

"Damien Cullen."

"He's ok, probably shy. I'm Benita."

"I'm Ike."

I walked to the office were the blonde was arguing with Damien.

"I want a schedule change!" Damien yelled.

"Well too bad!" the blonde screamed.

"PLEASE!"

"Fuck yourself! I've given your sister five fucking schedule changes! Not you!"

"Well then goodbye." Damien left the room, his eyes looking like coal.

I gave the blonde woman my slip and got in my mobile home. I drove to Carlie's, fantasizing about Damien naked in my bed.


End file.
